The Winter Olympics are here again and America pretends to be interested in sports like speed-skating, ice dancing, and luge. According to NBC, the broadcaster of the Winter Olympics, the nation’s biggest nation crisis is not health care or our 2 current wars, but the bruised shin of Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn. I don’t know what alpine race skiing is, but I do know what Lindsey Vonn looks like in an Under Armour bikini in a sauna.
So let’s focus on the only Winter Olympics sport that matters: Men’s Hockey
The Canadian team faces more pressure than Desmond pressing the button every 108 minutes on ‘Lost’ as they boast an incomparable all-star team including future Hall-of-Famers Sidney Crosby, Martin Brodeur, and Scott Niedermayer. Anything less than a gold medal will cause a national crisis and may lead to a Nickelback song about it.
Team Song: Rush – Tom Sawyer
The Russian team is by far the most entertaining team led by the disputed “best hockey player in the world” Alex Ovechkin, whose celebrations have led to imitations by frat boys in the DC area after copulation. Ovechkin is hailed as the Olympic villain who can singlehandedly derail Canada’s hopes for gold and has already feuded with Canada’s golden boy, Sidney Crosby. Any games between Canada-Russia will be the most watched hockey game of the Olympics and could be the most watched hockey game in years.
Team Song: Russian Techno Music (they all sound the same)
The US team is brimming with young stars with loads of potential and little experience on the global stage with Patrick Kane, Phil Kessell, and Eric Johnson just above the drinking age. This team is the closest resemblance of the 1980 ‘Miracle on Ice’ team since NHL players were invited to the Olympics. Not much is expected of this team, but do expect NBC to launch several stories about the disappointing performance of the team. If they do win, expect NBC to feature them on a Late Night Show (ZING!!! token NBC late night joke).
Team Song: Justin Bieber – One Time
Team Sweden is also a heavy favorite to medal, but does anyone really care about Sweden.
Team Song: Abba- Winner Takes All