The New Jersey Nets and “Precious”

Being a Nets fan closely resembles “Precious”. We suffer through dysfunction and brutal beatings with seemingly no end in sight. We engorge ourselves on the “potential” of the likes of Terrence Williams, Yi Jianlian, and Chris Douglas-Roberts in futile attempts to mask/numb the pain. Like Precious, to withstand the trauma of another Nets loss, we are forced to retreat to a world of fantasy and imagination when the season is over and the Nets have won the John Wall sweepstakes and sign at least two elite free agents in the Lebron, Wade, Bosh, Boozer, Joe Johnson group.

In a continuing series of unfortunate and ignominious events this year for the Nets, my personal favorite has been the misunderstood lyrics from Nets part-owner Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind”. In a fridge of nothing but condiments and decaying food, Jay-Z shines like a six-pack, but even he unknowingly caused great angst for Nets fans. In the second verse of “Empire State of Mind”, I had always thought it was “If Jesus paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade.” I thought this meant, Lebron, who is becoming a basketball deity, is getting paid so much as if by Jesus himself and Jay-Z who has also made an astronomical amount of money on his own would settle for Dwyane Wade, which as a Nets fan is like eating Spam your entire life and then having the chance to dine on organic grass-feed Kobe beef. Well the truth came out and it’s about buying a kilo of cocaine.

From the article by David Cho: In Young Jeezy’s song “24-23 (Kobe-Lebron),” Jeezy uses the players’ jersey numbers to articulate the price he’s paying of a kilogram of cocaine. The chorus of that song goes, “I used to pay Kobe [24], but now I pay LeBron [23].” This means that he used to pay $24,000 for a kilo of coke, whereas now? He only pays $23,000, you see.
So. In “Empire,” Jay-Z takes this one step further, so as to show his impressive status in New York. He suggests that, while Jeezy may be paying $23,000, Jay-Z is paying a mere $3000 (expressed as Dwyane Wade’s jersey number) for a kilo of cocaine.

This is a level of disappointing news akin to finding out Santa doesn’t exist and why I had so many Uncles coming over my mom’s house late at night. I’d almost compare this information to Precious finding out she was HIV-Positive, but the Tyler Perry people already gave me the Abu Ghraib treatment for my piece about the similarities between “Meet the Browns” and Al Qaeda so I’ll stop there. Instead I’ll go to my fantasy land where the Nets have John Wall and Lebron James reeling off victories while in reality, I’m suffering through another molestation at the hands of the Milwaukee Bucks and Washington Wizards.

Perez Hilton Unites World By Creating the Worst Cartoon Ever

At the end of the legendary 1991 film, “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”, Bill and Ted’s band, The Wyld Stallyns, travel to the future and find out that through their music, the world is united in peace and love. Never thought I would live to see the day that the world is united like in “Bogus Journey”, but then the man who gained fame for the latest gossip coverage and drawing penises on celebrity photos using clip art, Perez Hilton decided to release a cartoon web series. “The Assisted Life” has drawn almost universal hatred for offending every major demographic and social group. Adding my thoughts on the quality of the series is a fruitless endeavor like calling the Jersey Shore crew unintelligent.

What I would like to examine is that the public failure of the “The Assisted Life” is an apotheosis of Perez Hilton brand and in the case of Perez Hilton, this is exactly what he wants. Perez Hilton has reached a level of fame greater than some of the celebrities on whose image he draws fake penises on due to enraging the populace that consume whatever he deals whether its the gossip mongering or frivolous controversies he creates. He has become the face of the outrage of exploitative celebrity culture. Many of my friends deplore Perez Hilton, but they are the first ones to consume every nugget of gossip he creates. His writing has been labeled as trashy, racist, misogynistic, irresponsible and surprisingly, homophobic towards the people he covers. So when Perez Hilton’s own cartoon web series is a reflection of all these traits, his public wonders how he could be so offensive and unleashes its furor on message board to no end. The comment and view totals are staggering on YouTube for for the 4-episode web series and there’s even more of them on his website. Despite the massive critical take down of the series, in 12 hours, the season finale has generated over 65,000 views and 827 comments, at least 80% negative earning a 2 star rating on YouTube. It has reached a level where you have to suspend disbelief for Perez not to realize the lynching it is receiving, yet he has not even commented on the cartoon or even apologized for the perceived offenses of the cartoon because he has made a comfortable living of being the enemy and at this point, does not even to expend much thought or calories to become a lightning rod.. I can go on how there are many better and funnier cartoon web series in which it appears that the creators actually burned some calories in its creation with far fewer success and viewers, but that is also a fruitless endeavor. It’s important to note that the 4th episode of “Assisted Life” was only it’s season finale. When the 2nd season begins, the world will unite again with furor against the video and we’ll send it to all our friends so that they can sneer at it and send it along and the cycle continues. We hate Perez Hilton, but he allows us to to feel temporary moments of superiority to the so-called “pretty people” and we can’t help ourselves. Rather than hate that part of ourselves that can’t help consume celeb culture, we give it a face and it’s Perez Hilton.